Personal Reflections

my personal testimony

here i will attempt to share my testimony...

i came to 'know' God when i came face to Face with Him when i was 29 while i was living in germany... i had 4 children, daniel and richard which were about 11 and 12 at the time, and ryan and rachael, who were 1 and 2 at the time.. and a marriage that was almost out of control... i was searching, ever searching... for some kind of meaning to my life... i have to say that Jesus came on real strong... and so very real... i saw the Truth everywhere i looked and God even gave me some dreams that i might share somewhere in this place... one thing He kept showing me through His word was the matter of 'choice' and the matter of 'Faith'... at the time i didn't realize the importance of what He was showing me... long story short, i was gun ho... thinking i would save my family and friends when i got back to the states... WOW... i found a reason... but life went fast and my marriage went faster and before i knew it, it was all over and i found myself running from God... maybe even trying to hide from Him like adam did... i felt like i had failed Him... and maybe i did, i don't know, but the one thing i do know is that His word tells me that He will never leave me nor forsake me... and, looking back on my journals, i have been crying out to Him ever since... while still being selfish and figuring that i could somehow make it with Him on the side... i searched my entire life for love and i have finally come to the realization that it was God who loves me like that and i have to put Him first and let Him take control... which, by the way, is a very difficult thing to do when you are being selfish... but He made me to realize through the horror of it all that i needed to seek Him first and only, and then trust in Him to care for my life... i came to realize just how difficult it is to say and even more difficult to do...

so now i sit here 20 plus years later, and seeing the damage done to my friends and my family... my children are grown and live their own lives... with the edge of my beliefs but not living them nor truly understanding them... and it breaks my heart the opportunities i missed because i was putting myself before God... and i can only pray with all my heart that He will fix what i broke...

august 21, 2009

i hear God calling and i want to listen... i prayed to God to show me the way.. to be the light to guide my path... i told Him i want to go beyond my self and my selfish desires... but i still get confused as to which way to go... it has always been like this for me... i have always let self rule... and i have always made wrong choices... and He tells me that it isn't about me... i think i am afraid to take that leap of faith... there is something coming... God tells me that His light to my path is His word... so this i must follow... and He is a God of compassion and unconditional Love... this fear and uncertainty and confusion is not of Him... i will seek Him with all my heart...

He just says to be still and know that He is God.... He works it and wills it... i want to walk with Him...
He says that if i will be obedient to Him, and in all ways acknowledge Him, then, He will give me the desires of my heart..

august 29, 2009

i was reading this book; the soul under siege by james earl massey... i have read it before but for some reason it hit into the exact place that i am sitting in at the moment... struggling about which way to go, not knowing if one is my selfish desires or the other is a feeling of needing to be there for my children.. or them needing me... i don't know, but i do know that it terrifies me to think of going back to the place i was... and i do realize that it isn't where i am that matters so much to God as what it is that i am doing where i am....

this book, it says a crisis is evident when the full realization dawns on us that we have been seized. we feel the pull of the situation. the crisis, then, is not wholly the product of the situation one finds oneself in. besiegement excites feelings and exacts an attitude. those feelings must be focused before the soul can be steadied, and steadiness is necessary if the struggle is to be won.

our adversary is the devil, scripture tells us that he tempts, he possesses, he afflicts, he accuses, and he seeks our ruin. we know his work from biblical revelation. we also know it from within our own struggles while under siege. and when he tries to point us in a direction, his point is determined by his one personhood-to make all others like himself. and that is what we must fight against when we are besieged by him. he works against us in our situations. for life is still wider and our problems still more personal. he meets us in extremes and tries to goad us to extreme stress, when we are besieged, however, that God-ordained escape must be found. 1 Corinthians 10:13

also there is depression, it can be handled. it does not have to turn us over to a besieging devil. there is a meaning for the soul that is deeper than any mood. our Hope is rooted in Faith.

then we can talk about self pity... anyone who yields to the struggle through self pity abandons the Savior for the sake of the self. running from the struggle, he falls into the waiting arms of the adversary. indulging in self pity only salutes his sadness and fattens selfishness.

self pity is a purpose denying mood; it leads to an understanding of life as a problem, not as a purpose.

september 6, 2009

i was just reading this book called "wide awake" and it is awesome... it is very inspiring... in it the author says 'when we live wide awake, the world begins to reflect the kind of place in which God intended us to live. we need to live wide awake because there are diseases killing millions and we need to find a cure, famines leaving multitudes starving and we need to provide food, economies leaving families homeless and we need to create opportunities for work and wealth, genocide that must be stopped, slavery that must be ended, water wells that must be dug, children who need to be loved, relationships that need to be healed, elderly who need to be cared for, beauty that needs to be created, futures that need to be saved, and dreams that we must not let die or go unfulfilled.' the author says we need to dream wide awake. anyway, the book inspired me due to the fact that i have been living my whole life running from God... looking for the wrong dream... and i don't want to do it any longer... i don't want to settle for something God never intended me to settle for... or to be someone that God never intended me to be... the author also states that 'life is not a color within the lines project; life is a work of art you have to keep mixing colors, creating new blends and seeing things in fresh ways. you must be willing to get paint all over you. life is about growth and growth demands change. change requires humility. sometimes you need to bring change, sometimes you need to be changed. you are not called to settle for the good life, you are called to a life of greatness. faith keeps us flexible and postured for change. faith ignites courage, not conformity. fear seeks to control; faith seeks to create. to live wide awake is not about finding a way around the suffering or difficulties in life, it is stepping into the life God has for you. for some of us our challenge is going to be to move from a life that simply looks for security to a life that longs for significance.'

november 12, 2009

i was reading something someone had sent me (thank you wes) and in questioning my own salvation and my walk with God, i went to His word and found these passages. Through His word, He has made me to see that we do have to continually 'choose' to learn and abound in Him, and also that when we diligently seek Him, we not only will be found by Him but also in this Truth we seek, He will not let us fall. We may stumble here and there, and we may even at times run from Him, or hide from Him, or even seem to leave Him, but He will never leave us or let go of us. Praise be to Him, He will always be waiting for us right where we left Him. "God, that i may never walk away again...." By choosing Him we commit ourselves to Him daily, and to be ever learning and ever seeking.... this must be our priority. If it is not, we are blind and have no right to feel sorry for ourselves when we fall, or when we don't understand, or when we can't seem to find Him. Seek and you will find. what you decide to do with it once it is found is entirely up to you... 1 Peter 5:6-8 Humble yourself therefore under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time: casting all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walks about, seeking whom he may devour: and also: 2 Peter 1:11 Grace and Peace be multiplied to you through the knowledge of God and our Savior, Jesus our Lord, According as his divine power hath given unto us all things that pertain unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him that has called us to glory and virtue: whereby we are given exceeding great and precious promises: that by these you might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust. And besides this, giving all diligence, add to your faith, virtue; and to virtue, knowledge; and to knowledge, temperance; and to temperance, patience; and to patience, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, charity. for if these things be in you, and abound, they make you so that you shall never be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. may God bless you all and the peace of Jesus be in you...

july 18, 2010

i feel like i am in a shift somewhere and i have to hold on to Jesus to steady me.. i see so many lost.. everyone i know.. and myself, and i can only pray.. but i pray, and i cry out to Jesus to help us all.. from my own experience i am learning that while life is way more difficult than you ever imagined, Jesus is way more able to get us through it and save us from it.. He sends His Holy Spirit to comfort us.. so keep the faith, fight the fight, and finish the race.. He will see us through to the end..

december 15, 2010

trying to figure it out.. and i can only do it with God but i find myself arguing with myself about the truth and just what it is.. and i tell myself that it isn't about me.. but that seems almost silly.. and then i think that maybe i'm destined to fail.. i think somebody actually told me that once, maybe different words..

anyway..

God is good either way and my prayer is that my children and grandchildren and the ones i love so true would see the light and choose that path and follow it ever so closely.. and remember, it's always a choice..

january 2, 2011

okay.. i have to tell about something that God let me see tonight.. i was driving home and thinking about caleigh.. i saw a star.. it was beautiful like her.. i thought about seeing her as she would be grown up.. and i wonder sometimes if it works like that in heaven.. anyway, i cried the way home.. missing caleigh.. and i sat in the driveway looking at the star.. and there was a little fluffy cloud.. and i was listening to the song 'sweet silver lining' and the cloud slowly disappeared.. and i grieved for the loss of it, knowing that i could do nothing to bring it back.. so i understood, and i waited, and i watched, and in the whole sky there was not a cloud.. but i believed.. and i waited.. and then i looked again and to the right there appeared two little clouds, one just a little bit bigger than the other.. and they made me think of caleigh and leeairra, and they were beautiful.. and i felt peace, and hope.. and i pray now for a touch of His Grace upon my children and their children.. God is good.. through the good times and the bad.. He holds our babies in His Love..

february 21, 2011

so much happening around me and within me.. some days i don't even know how to feel..
letting go is almost freeing..
but in other ways it's scary and it makes my stomach hurt.. either that or i'm just getting sick a lot these days :)

i sense God moving.. and i know it's a good thing.. but i am afraid to move at times.. God is showing me the path but man it's so hard at times to stay focused on the path..
i have never been as sick as i have these past 6 months.. 4 for sure..
i miss my grand daughter 'caleigh'
my heart aches so bad for my daughter 'rachael'

i've had dreams, God given and my own, that have led me to the place i am.. and i've seen so much.. and i've made so many mistakes and wrong choices.. and it's difficult to believe that i can be forgiven really..
Jesus tells me a different story though.. and if i believe in Him then i know it's true.. it's faith that finds you at the end of your rope..

april 7, 2011

so much.. stay ever so close to Jesus.. His Word say to seek Him with all of your heart.. that's some 'mad' seeking!
we have to let it all in His Hands while we look to Jesus for the way.. 'love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, and self control' "against such things there is no law"
He showed us all of these things His short time on earth..

thank you rachael for taking a glance here.. it means much to me to know that.. i love you forever.. (as kya says :)

september 15, 2011

reading God's Word.. tryin to get a glimpse.. i want to be in that place where the fight is already over..
i pray for God's grace and mercy to shine upon my children..

it's raining today.. what is the whole duty of man..?
..to love God and keep His commandments.. obey Him because He is the Truth and the Life..

i want to know how to do that.. i want to do that.. i want that.. i want my children to have that.. and their children..

i want the fight to be over..

i know it has already been won through the sacrifice of Love.. and i pray that He shine that Love upon me and every one who seeks after Him..